You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
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RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off