Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?