Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
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Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.