Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head