Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there