“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Usage Guidelines
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real