Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?