Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
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Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones