Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
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Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Hey i am sexy to you now
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.