Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
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Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.