~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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is there nothing we can trust anymore
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Siri: Retweet me.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer