*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters