Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
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REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”