If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
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i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.