20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
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If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”