Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’d hang this in my house.