What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet