My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Need WebMD
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
first you must answer his riddles
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