[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
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We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
not seeing the problem
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”