You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
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HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Yoga Matt
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog