“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Dammit Chief not again
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*