I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today