I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”