It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
You Might Also Like
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.