“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.