Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered