lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.