9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
You Might Also Like
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I feel it
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us