Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
live, laugh, laundry.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.