My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.