Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
😎 🍻
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.