Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
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FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
This is me