putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.