Autocorrect is my menesis
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
much to think about
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?