When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
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:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?