Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.