I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
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I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
don’t be scared
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same