Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
We all have our pet causes.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?