[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
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Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.