[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
inside you are two wolves
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.