My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
You Might Also Like
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.