You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*updates tinder bio*
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium