I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook