Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.