I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
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Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m putting together a team
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
checking out some reviews of my local library
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.