*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that