I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.