If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
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Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
LOL!
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go