I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Me trying to reach for my goals
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother