“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Born to be mild.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.